The Cable Guy, a Cop and Santa Claus

Sounds like the opening line to a bad joke doesn’t it? Not far from the truth. Sit back and nurse your hangover while I explain a few of the reasons why I’ve been silent for the past several weeks and what misadventures have come my way lately.

My wife and I moved to Louisville nearly 5 years ago to take better work opportunities within our company. We are getting closer to retirement age (2020 for me) and wanted to boost our pensions as much as possible. Working in an uncertain industry, we chose to rent rather than buy. Eventually we sold our home in Indiana and earlier this year got more serious about buying a home here in Louisville…especially after calculating all the rent we have paid these past few years.

Lori has always said she is a condo queen at heart. I have always lived on property. After spending the past several years in a condo rental, I agreed that I could get used to condo life. So, after a lot of looking, we ended up purchasing a newly constructed patio home (fancy name for a duplex or town home).  We began moving in a little over 3 weeks ago, and that is one of the reasons I haven’t had time to share any thoughts.

Another reason is the Cable Guy. We went for 3 weeks without any Internet. I know, it’s barbaric! Our daughter said, “This is unacceptable!” and basically moved out! We literally only  moved a mile from the place we were renting and so I called up the local cable company with which we have had service for the past 5 years and asked to have my service moved to the new home. I won’t bore you with all the details, but let me just say it was one of the most frustrating experiences I have ever had with any company in my life. I made at least 8 phone calls; my wife made 2. Together we probably spent 6-8 hours on the phone with these clowns. They sent 3 techs out…each time to do something that could not be done. Cart before the horse, over and over again. One time they even sent a tech out to disconnect our service. I looked at him and said, “If you can find any service around here, feel free to disconnect it!” Finally, after speaking to people in every department except for maybe the sanitation crew, we gave up and ordered service from another provider.

The subdivision we moved into is made up mostly older couples, older than me. It is a well kept, seemingly quiet area. In fact, I was a little worried when I rode my two KTMs over to the garage that people would be looking out their windows saying, “Damn! A biker. There goes the neighborhood!” Seeing as how most of my neighbors next move will likely be the nursing home, imagine my surprise when Lori woke me up at Midnight one night our first week there saying, “Jamie, someone is knocking on the door!” Once I got my bearings I could hear the knock. It wasn’t just a polite knock; it was a pounding. Like, “Let me in! I’m going to die out here!” kind of knock. I got up, slipped on a pair of jeans and headed for the door.

I turned on the porch light and looked out the dining room window to see who was outside. I wasn’t going to open my door to just anyone at Midnight. As it turns out, it was the men in blue. They were just about to give up and head to their cars when I turned on the light. They did an about face and I opened the door. “Can I help you?” The lead officer looked at me and said, “Yes, we got a call from an Uber driver reporting a domestic disturbance.” O-k-a-y. “You mean here, at my house?” “Yes.” Well, it was cold and I didn’t have a shirt or socks on so I asked them to come in. The officer I was talking to came in, the other stayed in the doorway, door wide open, me still freezing.

I guess I didn’t look great because the cop at the door said, “Were you sleeping?” “Yes we were in bed asleep.” I then said, “This is…”and gave my address. The officer in the house said, “Yes, that’s the address we were given.” I thought, “this is crazy. Not only do my wife and I rarely ever have a cross word, I’ve never taken an Uber before in my life!” Fortunately, I have a healthy respect for the police and the job they do…and I’m not an idiot, so I kept my cool. The officer then said, mostly to himself it seemed, “I just went through this…do you mind if I pat you down?”  Having nothing to hide, literally, since I was barely wearing any clothes at all, I said, “Sure, go ahead. ” I put my hands on top of my head and let him do his job.

Once he finished I said, “My wife is right here in the bedroom, let’s get her up and you can talk to her.” I said this because I realize there is no real reason the police should believe me…they don’t know me from Adam. About that time Lori stepped out of the bedroom, looked at the cops and said, “We’ve been in bed for 4 hours. They must have the wrong address!” The cop reiterated that this was the address given, apologized and left. Welcome to the neighborhood. The very next night I was awakened by a light knocking at 2:00 am. What the heck? I got up, went to the window again and saw the two cops leaving the neighbor’s house. I haven’t heard a peep out of our new neighbors, so I have no idea what any of that was about.

Two nights later, about dinnertime, there was another rap on the door. No cop this time, but it was a man in a suit…Santa Clause. “Merry Christmas,” he said, as he handed me a candy cane. “I hope you’ve been a good boy!” I bit my tongue, and smiled. He was probably the head of the homeowner’s association coming to see what kind of riffraff has infiltrated his neighborhood!







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