A Cruel Trick

I would love to tell you that I have a mind like a steel trap, that I have the answers to all the questions that matter. The truth is I can’t even remember how to start a car! Seriously. Anyone who knows me very well knows that, instead of a steel trap, my mind is like a strainer, it leaks! I could just say that I am “forgetful.” My partner at work learned a long time ago that she was going to have to be my memory. I have about 110 employees who move through my department like a revolving door. I finally gave up trying to remember all their names. My wife says she feels sorry for me because my mind “never stops.” I am constantly doing one thing and thinking about another, which causes me to become oblivious to what I am supposed to be concentrating on, like how to get to the grocery.

Let’s see, where was I? Oh yeah, I forgot how to start a car. Here’s the deal; my wife has one of these cars with a fob instead of a key and a “Push to Start” button on the dash. Fancy, huh? I actually like it, however, when I switch vehicles it sometimes confuses me. I look pretty silly trying to push a button on the dash that isn’t there, or that actuates the Hazard lights! If that isn’t bad enough, my car is not “normal” either. First of all, my key is on the left side of the steering column instead of the right…what? Who decided that? Not only that, but you do not twist my key to the right and hold it while the car starts; you twist it and let it go, then it starts. It is like the Ducati I had…hit the starter button, then go put on your helmet or whatever, while the bike chugs to life in the background, as if it had a mind of its own.

When I bought my car I had to learn the “technique’ to start it. As you enter the car, you insert the key with your right hand, place your right foot on the brake and twist the key to the right, then let go. You do all of this as you enter the car, and magically, it starts while you are getting situated. Sometimes when I switch back to my wife’s car, I just sit there for a minute. looking stupid, as I try to remember which vehicle I’m in.

If that were not bad enough, my car had to go to the shop and I was given a loaner. It was a Saab. In case you have never driven a Saab, they key is in the middle of the console.

IMG_2050As much as I hate to admit this, I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten into this car, turned key, let it go…and just sat there waiting for it to start! It’s like the automakers of the world are playing a cruel trick on me. “Let’s see how much we can confuse that little old man!”

So, if you see me sitting behind the wheel of a car in a parking lot somewhere, just staring ahead…don’t worry…I will get moving eventually. I’m just trying to remember how to start my car!




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